To Color or not to Color

by | Jun 16, 2017 | Shahnaz Blog (Previously They Throw Rocks)

Tomorrow will be my 45th birthday and as the years have gone by they have left their marker on my hair – thinning and greying.  I don’t think there’s much I can do for my hair not being as thick and healthy, but there is a remedy for greying.  Hair dye.  If you’ve read my previous post of “my journey to beautiful” you’ll remember that I started coloring my hair, more as a beauty trend (big mistake I must add) in my early 30s.  In the process of recovery, I had to go to a salon in America and allow my hair to grow out and after that, I can’t remember why I continued.  Did I notice the grey more?

Long story, short – I’m almost fully grey.  I have to color every 2-4 weeks to keep my face looking young.  For most women, it’s part of their schedule.  For me, it was part of my delayed schedule.  I would color every 3 months or longer.  I would wait for a family member to tell me that I needed to color my hair.  The hassle of it.  The time spent irrespective of whether I did it in a salon or at home.  What is the price of beauty?  I used to think that I just didn’t want to spend the $100 or so to color my hair.  Now that I do it at home, it’s an $8 box of hair dye.  Price point was just defeated.  Yet, I’m left with this constant chore and I wonder why I have imposed it on myself.  I wonder why society essentially has imposed it on me.  Women have to look younger and to do that, we have to color our hair.  I wonder what would happen if I let it go.  I would be all grey.  Sure, people say I have a youthful face, but youth is perception.  Isn’t it to some extent?

I saw a video a few weeks back of a woman who decided to go all grey.  Basically, she let her hair grow out and was comfortable in her own skin.  For someone who has struggled with beauty all her life, I struggle with the concept of going all grey and looking older.  Age and women is not a good combination.  I struggle with my sense of combatting norms and traditions.  I’ve always sought to secretly fight the “rules” and yet, this is a rule I’m struggling to fight.  I want to stand out there and say, I’m going grey and it’s my choice.  Deal with it!  I want to say that with confidence.  Will that day  come or will I succumb to my own vanity and sense of holding on to an illusion because the world does?

I haven’t colored for a few months now.  There’s over an inch of grey and it’s becoming obvious.  I often wonder what I will look like, all grey.  Will I get used to it?  Will it be my rebellion?  My statement to the world that I don’t f*&^ing care.  I feel my inner strength is tested here.  I need to get used to a new face.  So many paradigms to deal with.  While I shuffle my thoughts, let’s hope my strength to not color wins out.  Every time I think about this, I fail and in a moment of weakness I color and the cycle will start again.  How long will I hold out?  I don’t know.

What if women never colored their hair?  What if?

Best to you all,


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