Waiting for tomorrow

by | Sep 23, 2016 | Shahnaz Blog (Previously They Throw Rocks)

I have written about the concept of now before.  In a nutshell, it’s the principle that the past is past and does not exist anymore.  The future does not exist either.  It only exists when we get to it.  The now is all we have and all we will ever have.  If I wait for something, I will miss out on a whole bunch of important somethings.

So, I understand this and I try to live by it but sometimes it’s hard.  Especially when one is stressed.  Am I stressed?  Yes and no.  I’m just in a state of static disillusionment.  What do I mean by that?  Just that my life is what it is and it’s not necessarily what I want.  It’s not good, it’s not bad.  Just that I’m restless for more.  I don’t know what “more” means.  Does it mean more money?  Not really.  By God’s grace, I’m fine.  Then again, if I had more money, I would retire and not have to work.  So, I think about retirement.  I’m working everyday to make money so I will have enough money someday to stop working.  That’s the goal.  I dream of that day.  I calculate how I will get there and what it will be like.  I think to myself.  If I could skip the next several years and just get there, wouldn’t it be great?  Would it?  I would have skipped out on a bunch of fun vacations, so I don’t want to do that!  So, my mind thinks about it.  What about waiting and living for the next vacation for I cannot skip out on several years of something fun?

Then, I would skip out on everyday things.  I would skip out on writing this ridiculous blog.  Or skip out on hanging out with friends and laughing at our silliness.  Pokemon Go!  Yes, I think it’s important to me.  I would skip out on reading books and coloring and finishing my ship.  I would skip out on watching 30 minutes of Sex in the City every night.  I would skip out on my new iPhone 7.  I would skip out on several birthdays and wedding anniversaries.  I would skip out on amazing meals cooked by my mom and I would skip out on watching my flowers bloom every spring.  Do I really want to skip out on those things?  I think about what I really want to skip?  Work!  What about work do I want to skip?  The mean patients?  Dealing with “issues”.  I don’t know.  I know I’m supposed to be humble, but I know that I’m amazing at what I do.  I know this.  I know what I’m doing and some parents may not agree with me, but it is effective.  The stress of it, sometimes is killing me slowly.  The stress that people don’t see it from my point of view and I’m constantly dealing with helicopter parents who suffocate their child and blame me when they cannot breathe!

I have considered changing my profession.  I think to myself.  What would I like to be?  I think I would like to be a speaker.  Or would I?  I don’t know.  I keep mumbling to myself.  I keep searching for who I am and what I’m meant to be.  I know one thing.  Skipping days or months or years, is not going to help.  It’s only going to leave me with regrets.  So, for now, I’m dealing with the now.  My now is the weekend.  I had a great day.  It’s been quiet and that’s enough for now.  I don’t want tomorrow yet.  I have dinner to do and a show to watch and maybe some reading to do.  Now.  Now is what I need.  Now is what I’ll ever need.

I guess that’s it for this post,
Catcha guys later,



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